I have come to the painful conclusion that there are many definitions of friendship.
We all know the terms aquaintances, friends, close friends and best friends.
But do we all have the same understanding of these terms, their true meaning?
Clearly not, a very painful realisation!
I do not (didn’t ) have many friends. That’s partly due to my marriage, it’s difficult making and keeping friends when your spouse is suffering from depression but also due to the type of person I am. Cautious but also in some ways too trusting. I’ve always been happy having only a few but very close friends. Turns out that two out of three have a different definition of friendship.
To me, real close friends are there for one another. They have fun together and support each other in bad times. I’ve always listened, been there when they needed me, no matter what, no matter if I was tired or had made other plans. I’ve given advice or rather my opinion but never claimed to be right or insisted on them taking my advice. If they needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to sit with in silence or make them laugh to take their mind off their problems, I’d like to think that I did just that,unconditionally and from the bottom of my heart.
I’ve never actually questioned our friendship, took it for granted that they felt the same.
Only now, when I am going through the worst and most difficult time of my life, when I can not think or plan any further than the next day because I simply don’t know if I will be strong enough tomorrow for all the financial and most frightening emotional upheaval that comes with having to deal with supporting my depressed estranged husband and more so, my boys, now my friends feel that I can not expect to burden them.
They’ve hurt me before
I should have left it there, quietly withdraw but no, I obviously still didn’t get the message. At the time, I tried to tell them that I didn’t understand how they could simply expect me to leave my boys alone in order to have fun. How their advice, albeit appreciated, was not the way for me. They didn’t have time to talk with me for a week, then it was postponed, never spoken about again. But I felt like I didn’t belong with them anymore, not propperly.
So I wrote them a message, in our whatsapp group to say that I was still hurting and didn’t feel that they had understood how much they had hurt me when I needed them most.
I am an attention seeker who want’s to talk about nothing but myself all the time and never ever about anyone else! If I do not get enough attention then I create problems so as to talk about myself.
I can not expect the world to support me, care for me and give me strength.
Bearing in mind, I didn’t phone them to talk about my problems. I certainly spoke about it, even cried at times when I saw them, which wasn’t very often, as I really didn’t have enough time between driving to the hospital, sorting his finances to ensure that he would get paid and caring for my boys the dog, house and full-time job.
Obviously I burdened them too much, expected the same understanding of friendship I’d given them, unconditionally. My Mistake!!
I do NOT expect the WORLD to support and care for me, to give me strength when I am weak.
I DID however expect my BEST FRIENDS to simply be there for me when I needed them most.