I guess it’s time


is it me or have things changed here? 

I guess it’s because I’ve made myself scarce recently… ehm…. for quite some time. When I absentmindedly opened the wordpress app on my mobile, I noticed the new “face” -I like it 😊 

Maybe it’s time for me to wake up and start coming back to wordpress just as I am slowly but surely coming back to life. 

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Posted in Randomness

The definition of friendship


I have come to the painful conclusion that there are many definitions of friendship.
We all know the terms aquaintances, friends, close friends and best friends.
But do we all have the same understanding of these terms, their true meaning?
Clearly not, a very painful realisation!
I do not (didn’t ) have many friends. That’s partly due to my marriage, it’s difficult making and keeping friends when your spouse is suffering from depression but also due to the type of person I am. Cautious but also in some ways too trusting. I’ve always been happy having only a few but very close friends. Turns out that two out of three have a different definition of friendship.
To me, real close friends are there for one another. They have fun together and support each other in bad times. I’ve always listened, been there when they needed me, no matter what, no matter if I was tired or had made other plans. I’ve given advice or rather my opinion but never claimed to be right or insisted on them taking my advice. If they needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to sit with in silence or make them laugh to take their mind off their problems, I’d like to think that I did just that,unconditionally and from the bottom of my heart.
I’ve never actually questioned our friendship, took it for granted that they felt the same.

Only now, when I am going through the worst and most difficult time of my life, when I can not think or plan any further than the next day because I simply don’t know if I will be strong enough tomorrow for all the financial and most frightening emotional upheaval that comes with having to deal with supporting my depressed estranged husband and more so, my boys, now my friends feel that I can not expect to burden them.
They’ve hurt me before
I’m drifting
I should have left it there, quietly withdraw but no, I obviously still didn’t get the message. At the time, I tried to tell them that I didn’t understand how they could simply expect me to leave my boys alone in order to have fun. How their advice, albeit appreciated, was not the way for me. They didn’t have time to talk with me for a week, then it was postponed, never spoken about again. But I felt like I didn’t belong with them anymore, not propperly.
So I wrote them a message, in our whatsapp group to say that I was still hurting and didn’t feel that they had understood how much they had hurt me when I needed them most.
WOW!!!!
I am an attention seeker who want’s to talk about nothing but myself all the time and never ever about anyone else! If I do not get enough attention then I create problems so as to talk about myself.
I can not expect the world to support me, care for me and give me strength.

Bearing in mind, I didn’t phone them to talk about my problems. I certainly spoke about it, even cried at times when I saw them, which wasn’t very often, as I really didn’t have enough time between driving to the hospital, sorting his finances to ensure that he would get paid and caring for my boys the dog, house and full-time job.

Obviously I burdened them too much, expected the same understanding of friendship I’d given them, unconditionally. My Mistake!!

I do NOT expect the WORLD to support and care for me, to give me strength when I am weak.

I DID however expect my BEST FRIENDS to simply be there for me when I needed them most.

Stupid me!!!

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Happy New Year


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2014 in review


The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 210 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Posted in Randomness

Merry Christmas


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I’m drifting


Towards the warm blanket of depression and the logical thinking part of me is standing right beside me, watching, watching my struggle to keep my head above water, to keep the house I can’t afford to sell, see it go down hill, dust, mess, watch the garden being a shamble, work with a bullying colleague, my ex having been in hospital for 9 weeks getting all the help he needs for his depression which goes way back into his childhood and has ruined my life, my marriage and I’m trying, still and despite the way his illness-not him-has treated me like shit all these years, trying to be there for him, to sort his finance and mine, day after day, to keep up his relationship with the boys cause he can’t, to find money to pay the bills while he spends his on God knows what there, oblivious and not caring for anyone but himself cause that’s what the doctors say, it’s all about him and his illness, fuck the rest of us
But it’s my best friends that have pushed me, unwillingly of course, over the edge, I’ve no time for them anymore, I don’t listen when they say I could leave my boys alone and go out, should dropp my ex completely
They of all people should know that I can’t do this, not just because if I don’t keep his money coming every months, I won’t get allymony either, not just because we’ve been married for 25 years and even though his action due to his illness of course has stopped me loving him, I still care for him, not just to make sure that our boys still have a father, one day when he might be better, least of all because my boys need me to be there for them, noone else is.
Poor fucked up Germany where there is no help for relatives of depressed people, where there is no financial support for single parents because I work!! I get fuck all but a kick in the arse because I work 40-50 hrs a week whereas if I were unemployed, I’d get heating/rent or house allowances/school/sports club/clothing allowance for the kids, free dental treatment …. but of course, I’m not unemployed, I work for our keep, my boys, the dog, the house payments
I’m drifting towards the blanket of depression, the one that keeps you warm with no care in the world and all the help you need, facing this mountain of worries unable to stop thinking, fighting alone for my boys and only for them I keep fighting, keep smiling when all I want to do is cry and this logical thinking part of me is standing beside me, watching my struggle, feeling my pain and desperation, shaking his head, thinking … Give it up, why don’t you?!

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04:00 hrs, somewhere in Turkey


I’ve given up trying to sleep,
Done away with the idea of hitching a ride in the hotel lift,
Eaten most of the ketchup crisps
Smoked far too many cigarettes

What’s left?

1. a severely depressed (ex) husband who is minding the kids while I’m on a short but long planned and awaited/desperately needed girls-time-out holiday
2. an (ex) mother-in-law suddenly on life support in a hospital far away in another part of the world
3. me, but for how much longer?

LIFE SUCKS

….. and then you wait for dawn to arrive to try and catch an early flight home….
back to being the only support accepted by said (ex) husband
Back to having to think not just for three but more so four “kids” now
Back to major house renovating works
Back to a more than stressful job on long hours

But hopefully not

Back on another plane to make funeral arrangements

Did I mention life sucks?

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