I’m drifting


Towards the warm blanket of depression and the logical thinking part of me is standing right beside me, watching, watching my struggle to keep my head above water, to keep the house I can’t afford to sell, see it go down hill, dust, mess, watch the garden being a shamble, work with a bullying colleague, my ex having been in hospital for 9 weeks getting all the help he needs for his depression which goes way back into his childhood and has ruined my life, my marriage and I’m trying, still and despite the way his illness-not him-has treated me like shit all these years, trying to be there for him, to sort his finance and mine, day after day, to keep up his relationship with the boys cause he can’t, to find money to pay the bills while he spends his on God knows what there, oblivious and not caring for anyone but himself cause that’s what the doctors say, it’s all about him and his illness, fuck the rest of us
But it’s my best friends that have pushed me, unwillingly of course, over the edge, I’ve no time for them anymore, I don’t listen when they say I could leave my boys alone and go out, should dropp my ex completely
They of all people should know that I can’t do this, not just because if I don’t keep his money coming every months, I won’t get allymony either, not just because we’ve been married for 25 years and even though his action due to his illness of course has stopped me loving him, I still care for him, not just to make sure that our boys still have a father, one day when he might be better, least of all because my boys need me to be there for them, noone else is.
Poor fucked up Germany where there is no help for relatives of depressed people, where there is no financial support for single parents because I work!! I get fuck all but a kick in the arse because I work 40-50 hrs a week whereas if I were unemployed, I’d get heating/rent or house allowances/school/sports club/clothing allowance for the kids, free dental treatment …. but of course, I’m not unemployed, I work for our keep, my boys, the dog, the house payments
I’m drifting towards the blanket of depression, the one that keeps you warm with no care in the world and all the help you need, facing this mountain of worries unable to stop thinking, fighting alone for my boys and only for them I keep fighting, keep smiling when all I want to do is cry and this logical thinking part of me is standing beside me, watching my struggle, feeling my pain and desperation, shaking his head, thinking … Give it up, why don’t you?!

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I am your average wife,mother,friend,employee....a bit lost in my world, a bit crazy at times but always good for a laugh - I think ;-)

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One comment on “I’m drifting
  1. […] so, my boys, now my friends feel that I can not expect to burden them. They’ve hurt me before I’m drifting I should have left it there, quietly withdraw but no, I obviously still didn’t get the […]

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