I am fat – there you have it, that wasn´t too difficult or was it?
Arrrgh, of course it was, I am so ashamed of myself 😦
However, first of all please let me point out that just because I call (am) myself fat that does not mean that I am being disrespectful to my fellow beings, you may call yourself overweight, on the heavier site, mature, well build… whatever, I call myself downright fat.
I was not always like this, which in a way makes it worse. I was a normal build (lol) child, slim teenager and then I started my apprenticeship.
If anyone says they are “bigger” because they are ill, have a slow metabolism, have no idea why – okay – you maybe, I am fat because I love to eat, I am fat because I do not feel full, nor do I feel hunger, I just feel the lust to eat. Sounds horrid, doesn´t it?
I think I have a completely cocked up relationship to food. My mum was the first person to give me a diet pill at the tender age of 17 or so – and I was only maybe 4 or 5 kg overweight then. Still, I don´t blame her, she ment well even though she went about the wrong way.
Problem is that I don´t look that fat, if I am to believe what people say, because they keep going: “nooo, you´re never that weight” when I tell them but of course that is no excuse whatsoever.
Still, about 4 years ago, something just went “click” in my head and I lost ton loads of weight, just like that.
It felt great, I bought loads of new clothes, my self esteem rocketed, it just changes the way you feel, think, walk, talk, move, dance, everything.
And please to all of you out there who are in the same boat than me, i.e. overweight – please do not give me the “I don´t care I feel perfect just the way I am” bullshit – be honest with yourself if not with others. You don´t, you can´t, physically maybe although being fat certainly affects me physically, too but mentally, you can not be serious if you say you don´t care that the clothes don´t fit properly, are uncomfortable, that you have a limited choice in clothes or have to buy very expensive clothes tailored like tents for the “bigger ones of us”.
Now please don´t think that I walk around in tents, I still have nice clothes, just that they are very limited now. About ?15 or 20? pairs of trousers lying at the bottom of my schrank while I can only wear 2!! pairs at the moment.
So, there you have it, enough whines about me and my fat self while deep down I want to be slim again, don´t know why I lost control again in the first place after having successfully managed to maintain my weight for nearly 4 years. Yes, I do know, I was frustrated, unhappy, p…off with everything and I eat best when I am unhappy – unfortunately.
To cut a long story short(er), I am officially as of now on a diet again and I mean really, not just starting in the morning, failing in the afternoon. I am forcing myself to stick to this now because there is no way that I will admit to the world and you that I have caved in again.
I want to feel good about myself again and I will, watch this space!